No judgement

I had coffee with a dear friend of mine this morning. We griped, we laughed, we talked about our successes and our failures. Making and taking the time to sit down and just hash it out over a steaming mug of Les' cappuccino is always a good way to start a day. It was a good reminder that we all face challenges with our self esteem, our relationships, our work and just life in general. It's not just me. Not just us. And having good friends to listen without judgement makes all the difference.

No judgement.

The movie "Me before you" was released when I first started going to Parkwood as an outpatient. It's about a guy with paralysis who falls in love with his support worker. He is not happy even though they are in love. *spoiler alert* in the end of the movie he flies off to Europe in his private jet in order to have assisted suicide. I must have been in some strange "I can do anything" phase of recovery, because I found this storyline to be so unbelievable that I said as much to my Parkwood friends. Open mouth, insert both feet, and roll away. Yup, one of my friends had just lost one of her friends to suicide. Way to go Julie.

Depression is as common as 1 in 20 in the general population, and in people with a spinal cord injury it is 1 in 5.

Most of November, December and part of January were pretty bleak for me. When I ruled out that it was a not a string of back to back UTIs I didn't know where to look next. So I went to my Dr. and tried to explain how I was feeling. How incredibly sad I felt all the time. How I cried. Well, if you've been following, you'll remember the dark days. It was my Dr's idea that I try to get out that dark place by using medication. It had not occurred to me that I might need some chemical help for my brain, but as soon as he suggested it, I knew that it was the next thing to try.

I have been sitting on this post idea for a while now. Eight weeks to be exact. I knew I wanted to write about taking antidepressants; about how it made me feel to take them and about how they actually made me feel. Both are things that require time to adjust too. First, how I felt taking them was not like I was giving up. It just seemed to be the logical next step on a road to trying to feel better. And I have to say that it is working. Aside from the foggy head and the hundred mile stare that I had for the first couple of weeks (ask Elaine), it has helped me feel more positive. Feeling more positive means that I have the energy to do more therapy (and see results), do more work on the projects I have taken on and spend more time with my family. All good and necessary things.

Depression is just as much an open and festering wound as any other physical ailment - we just can not see it with our eyes. You would treat that open wound right away, wouldn't you? So why not, when depression is identified, would you not try and treat it? Now, having said that, there are other non-medication ways to treat depression like sunlight, exercise, diet and sleep. But when all of those options have been exhausted, one has to take other measures. Like antibiotics for an infection. In the end, when I die, no one is going to say "she was only able to make it work because she took antidepressants..." No one will say that about me. No one will say that about you.

Pet therapy. And I have started reading again, which has been great. 

Red cord equals red face

This is the new physio system (top of the line, state of the art) at Glassier's Physiotherapy in Wingham. It is called RedCord. Ask anyone who has used it (able bodied or otherwise) and they will tell you it is tough. It is obvious from the look on my face how hard I am working here, but let me explain. I am holding onto handles that I used to do a rowing action which lifts my upper body off the bed. Then I pivot with my arms from side to side and lift my hips off the bed at the same time. This is the interesting part - I lift my hips. There is a strap under my hips but it is attached to the ropes above with bungie cords (stretchy ones) so in order for my hips to come off the bed my muscles have to engage.

If my shoulders and back were doing all the work here then my hips would stay on the bed. Can you see the air between me and the bed? I actually have core muscles (and maybe even some glutes and hip flexors) that are working to lift and turn my hips from side to side. This is new, it is different even from what I am able to do in the pool. This is good, because even though I am coming up on 20 months post injury, I am still seeing gains.

It even earned me a high-five from Mark - and that means a lot. If you want to see this in action checkout my facebook page.

#beboldforchange

On Friday night we attended the Inspiring Women in Huron Awards dinner. I had been nominated by my friend Selena and I asked some of my Huron County friends to join us. I truly cannot express how lucky I am to have relationships with so many strong women. This makes me think of how thankful I am. Thankful for Theo, my kids and my family - they are what keep me going. My friends - whom I can call upon for just about anything at anytime - listen and share and most importantly; they ground me. They help me to understand that I am not alone, not the only one with a challenging road. I am thankful for my physio team - Bill, Mark, Julie, Tammy, Melissa, Kristen and Barry - they have made my body recover in ways that seemed so out of reach not that long ago. I am thankful to Elaine - for everything but the shingles on the roof. I thank my lawyer and his staff - for keeping West Wawanosh Mutual honest. I am reminded of and thankful for the community support (from Blyth and beyond) with every passing bumper sticker and hello. 

I am thankful for the women who planned this event - honouring the female change makers in Huron. From arts and the environment to volunteering and sports - these women are the role models for our future generations. I was so happy to have Ella there with us, so she could see all the good things happening on our doorstep. She frequently asks why there is never anything "good" on the news - well there it was, all of the good things on stage for all to see. We also were treated to the spoken word magic of Holly Painter. What a powerful way to send a message. I was awarded the Be Bold for Change award. It was an honour. I hope to continue to create change in my community and beyond, but the only way I can do that is if everyone who is truly inspired (definition of inspire: to spur on) makes that change along with me. Honour your body, speak out about accessibility and share the road. 

One step closer to normal

A long time ago I wrote about a conversation that I had with the partner of a fellow Parkwood patient. Her take on our collective new situations was  "the only way there, is through". This past week, after getting home from Parkwood, I had a lightbulb moment. An enlightening, life-reaffirming sign reminding me that I was indeed getting through. Closer to being "there" even though I have no idea what or where there looks like.

On that Thursday I had a chance to see my friend and mentor Chris. She is the dietitian for SCI patients (and more) at Parkwood, and this May, she will have achieved 29 years of living with paralysis. I have learned a lot from Chris, and not just about SCI nutrition. She has gone to bat for me, made connections for me and answered a million questions. I have lunched with her, bombarded her with emails, cried with her (more than once) and even toured her house. She is my inspiration.

So it was after I came home (after not having been to Parkwood for almost a month!) that I had my "closer to there" realization. Chris and I, like most friends who don't see each other often, did a little update about our lives. Then I launched into my "burning question of the week". This time it was "how do you do it?" I was referring to her ability to steam around the 4th floor like a mad woman, answering everyone's questions, talking to doctors, patients and nurses, charting, planning for meetings - in a nutshell work full time - and have a life with a spinal cord injury?

To me, because everything I do seems to take so much more time, I can not imagine how I will ever be able to make the time to go back at work. Having had her injury for so long now Chris can likely not recall the step-by-step process of making the small changes that add up to being able to work full time. But being the wise woman that she is, she gave me some great advice. It's just like adjusting to coming home after rehab. It is daunting, and scary, you need to figure a lot of things out, but you do. You plan, make your place as accessible as possible, and you tell others what they can do to help. You get through.

It makes sense, like returning to work after having your first child. Although that was important learning, it was NOT my lightbulb moment. My realization was how our conversations had changed. My burning questions are no longer about the basics of SCI bowel and bladder, they are about work. I have progressed along the continuum of recovery. One step closer to being in a place that seems, for lack of a better word, normal.