The Depths of Despair

Anne Shirley, my favourite childhood protagonist, used to talk about being In The Depths of Despair. As an orphan she felt that the whole world was against her, and no matter how hard she tried things did not seem to get any better. Over the past month or so I have had my own dark time, and it would seem that not much would help to get me out. It was not something that I wanted to write about, nor did I think that anyone would want to read about my own Depths. Everything sucked and I cried a lot.

It seems to get worse when I come upon yet another something else that I am not able to do (yet). At the end of February six members of the Madill Nordic ski team (my team) was off to OFSAA at Highland Nordic in Duntroon. I so desperately wanted to go and support them, be there to yell encouraging words at them through the trees. But alas, I lack the endurance to do that kind of travel and long cold day outdoors. For me, this event is one of the most fun, most rewarding events of the entire school calendar. And it went on without me - as it should have - but I was sad.

My friend Mark borrowed a Nordic sit-ski for me to try on a day just before we lost all the snow. Michele came along to help - and I needed help, it was hard. I am pretty sure it was built for someone a lot smaller than me, but with some duct tape to the rescue, I was able to stay upright - but only just. My lack of core muscle strength makes me so very tippy. Sometimes that is laughable, but sometimes not. In anycase, I am sure that one day we will have a sit-ski that is custom built for me, but even then I will need a groomed track and a substantial amount of upper body power. The strength I can see coming, but the groomed trail? That will take some work. In any case, Theo has something to add to his "learn to weld" list.

I know that we didn't get much snow this winter (an unlikely gift for me) but when we did it caused me grief on many levels. I felt trapped - kind of like cabin fever - but there was more to it than that. I had to rely solely on the kindness of others, including Theo, to get me off the property. Still not legal to drive, I also had to defer my test date twice because of the weather (more on that later). This deferral also meant I missed out on the overnight I had planned with my Mom. The same day we had to turn around on our way to London, I rolled down the driveway, got to the end and remembered how in every other winter I would have been out on the dogsled trail - no more.

I know I will get there. What there looks like, well, I just don't know. I still deal with pain that holds me back, for how long, I don't know. It may get worse, then better, it may get worse and never go away. No one can say, which just adds to the unknown of the future.