Friday, 22 April 2016


Today I couldn't get away from myself. It seemed that everywhere I went I heard your legs don't work and won't work for the rest of your life. I also kept feeling this isn't happening to me. I can't explain why, but every once in awhile it pops into my head. And it makes me wonder, for how long will that keep coming up? When will my subconscious and conscious minds catch up with one another? I have been inside my head a lot lately as I have been working on what to say at the Gala. Trying to figure out what people will want to hear. And there is so much that I want to say.

I know one thing that I won't say is this: being paralyzed is like having a death in the family. Your grief is overwhelming, the stages coming at random unexplained times. Sometimes you laugh about crazy related things and many times you are crying, remembering, wishing, thinking. But, here is the difference: the family member who died was my legs and instead of having a funeral and saying goodbye I have to carry that death around with me everywhere I go. The legs that don't do what they are supposed to do are always there even though they died.

I wish I could say goodbye and stop being reminded that I have legs (and other important parts) that do not work. I don't know how long it will take for me to accept these legs for what they are, now.


  1. It takes time, Julie. Don't be hard on yourself. Why do we have to focus on the legs that are there but can't do what they used to do? Why can't we focus on how the leg's current status has inspired you to keep going, how it has helped you discovered the courage you have found in yourself to keep going and how "able" you are despite the "disability". People may drag you down. Don't let yourself drag yourself down. Good luck at the Gala. Say from your heart and you will move the audience. Legs are just one form of getting around. We have other ways and you will help us find better ways with your determination. You continue to be a true inspiration to me. Thank you Julie.

  2. It IS a very real loss, with a constant visual reminder; so grief is entirely appropriate and understandable. (Not that this makes it any easier!) Praying God's grace and power to cope for you; and protection from the Accuser who loves to plant discouraging thoughts in our head. You are *still* a magnificent piece of God's craftsmanship!

  3. A horrible situation to be in, for sure, and you put it very eloquently. I don't think it would be foolish though, to remain slightly optimistic. Science and medicine are advancing more quickly than ever before, more quickly than we realize. Acceptance of your situation is doubtless healthy, but this is not five years ago. There is reason, however faint, for hope.

  4. I'm not sure if the Gala was this weekend or not. You have a gift for expressing yourself - you are real, sincere, thoughtful, and eloquent. Speak from your heart - it would be disingenuous to pretend it's all 'positive outlook' and moving forward! Be kind to yourself. I hope you enjoy the Gala and that you feel good about your talk.