Hello October

I have been told by someone else who writes that I should not wait for inspiration, that I should just write. Easier said than done, but I am going to try.

Today I feel the best that I have in a long time. Like a month. September was not good. Today though, the sun, the warm wind, no appointments, no workers or guests, new hair cut and good music in my earbuds - just a free day. I did my workout outside today - Theo carried my physiotrainer out to my deck and I got to workout and watch him while he worked. He is at the wall building stage and the trusses are coming soon. This is the shed, not the house.

Also, I think I am finally feeling better. A month of infection followed by antibiotics followed by infection of a different bacteria and another round of gut rotting drugs leaves one quite exhausted. My UTIs are "complicated" say my doctors. Fun. I love being complicated. And it will never go away. So long as I can not control my urinary sphincters (this used to be my favourite biology word - no more) I will have to use a catheter and therefore always be at risk of infection. No matter how careful I am to be clean and sterile I will always be at risk. I can take probiotics to have the right balance of flora, cranberry extract, d-mannose and juniper to prevent bacteria from adhering to the wall of the bladder. They all help, but nothing but a good old fashioned pee the normal way will eliminate that risk. I had a Dr tell me that I could be as careful as possible but had to leave the rest up to God. This from a man of science. If it were up to God perhaps I would not have been hit by a car in the first place? Here we are back to physics and biology once again.

Today my legs are nerve pain free. What a relief. There is a certain amount of energy that one has in a day and when a great deal of that energy goes into managing pain and trying just to function, the days are less fun. For more than a couple days last month I was ready to cut off my legs. I know that doesn't really make sense, why would someone who can not feel or use their legs want to cut them off? Even though I can not feel them, they are still the site of a lot of the nerve pain. Pain that does not go away with any amount of drugs. I had been doing well for most of the summer, nerve pain at a manageable level, but there is something that happens when infection strikes and that pain comes back with a vengeance.

I had this conversation with a friend last week. It's not fair - why should someone who has no feeling in their legs still feel pain? I have a Parkwood friend who takes no pain meds at all - she says that pain reminds us that we are alive. I don't follow this philosophy. Yes, I am glad to be alive, but I don't need the pain to remind me. When I have pain like I did last month I want to crawl into bed and not move. Just close my eyes and make it go away. But I can't, I have to keep going. There are days that I only get up because someone comes into my bedroom and says "are you getting up?" Those days are hard. September was full of them.

Hello October.